Thursday, May 19, 2005
| For Joe This post may make no sense to any of you, but in all honesty, this is the first post in a long time that I’ve written solely for myself. As you read yesterday, shit isn’t very good in my world. I’ve become an expert at faking it in front of my friends, family, and co-workers, but truthfully I feel absolutely horrible deep down. I’ve never hated myself more and I’ve never been more frustrated with my current station in life. The medicine isn’t working as I had previously hoped and it’s time to make some alterations. Everyone is different, but for me, depression is kind of like coming down with a really bad cold. The first day you feel that tickle in your throat and maybe experience some random sneeze attacks. Cigarettes no longer taste good and the muscles in your body ache to either be stretched or cut out of your body entirely. You wake up on the second day of the cold to find that your nose is completely plugged up and you can barely swallow your morning juice. Most likely you’ll stay in bed all day and if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to sip down a bowl of soup. Sleeping is really the only way to escape the way you feel. On the third and last day of the cold, decongestants start to actually work and if you’re able to get rid of the sore throat and stuffy nose, you’re on your way to recovery. You still feel like shit deep down, but you’re able to tolerate it with more ease. On the first day of my depression dip I can feel that something’s wrong. I go in and out of good moods and I can tell that there is a shift for the worst on its way. It’s these days that I usually get drunk and do whatever I can to not admit that I’m about to hit a low point. As the day goes on, I start to feel really tired and the good moods are fewer and farther between. On the second day, the depression hits full force. I wake up with a lump in my throat and I’m angry at just about everyone and everything. It’s almost impossible for me to go to work as I’m petrified of having to be the “happy Joe”, the “funny Joe”, the Joe that everyone expects. If I end up staying home and hiding out in bed, the only way I can escape feeling shitty is to go to sleep. Only asleep do I forget that I’m a walking mess. When I do wake up, the depression is still there and the scary thoughts and feelings come flooding back in. I know I’ll probably feel better the next day, but getting to that next day seems almost impossible. Its days like these that I want to cash it all in and be done with the challenges that life brings. On the third and last day (today for example), I start to feel a little bit more in control. I’m still really sad deep down, but I know that if I just get out of the house, I’ll start to feel like my old self. The good moods start creeping back in and I laugh a little bit more. My appetite returns and I don’t feel as exhausted as I’ve felt for the past couple of days. I know that by the time this day ends, I’ll start to see the positive parts of my personality. I’ll realize that I’m not ugly and untalented and that it’s ok to be 27 and working towards a dream. When Paul got home last night, he found me in bed at 6:30pm. He immediately sensed that something was wrong and he walked over and took a seat on the bed next to me. He asked me how my day was and how the therapy appointment went. All I could do was look at him and start to cry. I couldn’t really talk and I didn’t want to talk. Tears rolled down my face and we both sat there quietly for awhile. Eventually I was able to wipe my face and talk about what we were going to have for dinner. I think the hardest part about having depression is the way that it makes other people in your life feel. My parents, Paul, and my friends are all very worried about me and some of them express that to me constantly. It’s got to be so frustrating to see someone you love hurt so badly, yet you know there is nothing you can do for them. I then feel even guiltier for being that burden on my loved ones. And the cycle continues. I spoke about this cycle with my therapist yesterday and she made an excellent point. She said “Your honesty is one of your best qualities, but you must realize that you don’t HAVE to tell everyone all of the feelings and thoughts that go through your head. Some of that stuff is meant just for our sessions and it’s ok to keep some of that stuff just to yourself. You make that decision and everyone you love will respect that.” My question was “How do I be real if I don’t open myself completely up?” Her response was “Do you feel like you ARE being real when you do open yourself up?” I thought for a minute and my answer was a definite “no”. I use honesty as a way to be real, but deep down I know that the real Joe is hiding and scared to let go of his crutches. He’s afraid to not be funny. He’s afraid to not be a good listener. He’s afraid to allow other people to care for him. And most of all, he’s afraid of the successes he could achieve if he just believed in himself a little bit more. |
